00:00:17:THE RHINE, GERMANY 1945
00:00:19:Third Troop, Fourth Musketeers.|Come on, come on.
00:00:22:Move yourselves.
00:00:27:Third Troop, Fourth Musketeers.|Come on, come on.
00:00:39:Come on.|Third Troop, Fourth Musketeers.
00:00:45:(shot)
00:00:48:Inflating parties forward.
00:00:51:(releases air valve)
00:00:59:Embark!
00:01:01:Follow me.
00:01:07:Paddles out.
00:01:09:Prepare to paddle.
00:01:11:Paddle.
00:01:19:(gun cocks)
00:01:23:Yes, during the war,|I was a Musketeer myself.
00:01:26:We had one young John Thomas|ostensibly commanding.
00:01:29:More myself was the backbone, of course.
00:01:31:Of a dark night,|many of our officers... (clicks)
00:01:34:...by some of their own men. You had to.
00:01:36:- (cash till rings)|- Yes, I will, squire.
00:01:38:Yeah, that's right, you was there.
00:01:41:After breakfasting in Paddington,
00:01:43:we was transferred to the Second Army|for Rhine and Other Rivers.
00:01:46:Ours was an infantry role though many|of us could swim only loosely, if at all.
00:01:51:- It was a complete cock-up.|- 144177 Musketeer Brazier S.
00:01:56:No, no, how I won the war.
00:01:59:The memoirs|of Lieutenant Ernest Goodbody.
00:02:04:("Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart")
00:02:11:Auf Wiedersehen
00:02:15:Auf Wiedersehen
00:02:19:We'll meet again, sweetheart
00:02:28:This lovely day
00:02:32:Has flown away
00:02:36:The time has come
00:02:40:To part
00:02:44:(screams)
00:02:45:We'll kiss again
00:02:49:Like this again
00:02:53:Don't let the teardrops start
00:03:02:With love that's true
00:03:06:I'll wait for you
00:03:10:Auf Wiedersehen, sweetheart
00:03:28:I'll tell you nothing|but my name, rank and number.
00:03:31:My number is 131313.
00:03:34:Lieutenant of Musket Ernest Goodbody.
00:03:37:It all started in 1939.|I suppose it did for you too.
00:03:41:But then first things first.
00:03:45:War is without doubt|the noblest of games.
00:03:49:Finer, I think, Corporal of Musket.
00:03:51:Corporal of Musket Transom,|my troop sergeant and a good all-rounder.
00:03:56:Stay there. You, Juniper,|you're perfect where you are. Very square.
00:04:01:Musketeer Juniper, a joy to have|on any team, one of the original BEFs.
00:04:07:What they really thought of me,|I shall never know.
00:04:11:- I thought he was bleeding rubbish.|- I thought he was a bleeding tart.
00:04:16:Can I have you right out there|in the country, Gripweed?
00:04:19:Musketeer Gripweed, without whom these|memoirs would never have been written.
00:04:24:My faithful batman.
00:04:27:May I rub your ball, sir?|It gives me pleasure.
00:04:29:- Musketeer Drogue, I die in North Africa.|- Please.
00:04:36:We're gonna hang out the washing|on the Siegfried Line
00:04:50:I rallied to the flag in October 1939
00:04:53:and was immediately selected|as officer potential.
00:04:58:Every word of this film is written|in pencil in my own handwriting.
00:05:05:I owe my introduction to the art of war|to my instructors at No.212 OCTU.
00:05:10:In particular,|1431 Lieutenant Colonel Grapple,
00:05:15:later to be known as Grapple|of the Bedoo, who impressed me no end.
00:05:19:I took care to talk as far back|in the mouth as possible,
00:05:23:being a grammar school lad...|which made no difference.
00:05:26:I've always been treated|by the army as top drawer.
00:05:29:- (affected laughter)|- What did you say?
00:05:33:(laughs) Sir...
00:05:38:Never underrate the wily Pathan.
00:05:41:We are going onto the wily Pathan|and the use of anti-gas carpet.
00:05:46:- Ya... Ya...|- The Pathan lives in India.
00:05:48:India is a hot, strange country,|full of wily Pathans up to wily things.
00:05:52:Which is why I always wear spurs,|even in cold weather.
00:05:55:My advice is to keep your rifle strapped|to a suitable portion of your body.
00:06:00:A leg is good. Otherwise,|the wily Pathan will strip himself naked,
00:06:04:grease himself all over,|slippery as an eel,
00:06:07:make off with your rifle,|which is a crime. Any questions?
00:06:10:- Or can we take gas?|- Has the Pathan gone over to Hitler, sir?
00:06:16:- Grammar school boy?|- Sir.
00:06:19:No, he has not.|Too wily for that, the wily Pathan.
00:06:22:Then shall we be fighting him|in this war, sir?
00:06:26:Of course, the British army|has always fought the wily Pathan.
00:06:29:Stripped naked under the tent brailings|like a snake, he is.
00:06:32:- Why?|- Why what?
00:06:35:We want to get on to gas.|It may save your life one day.
00:06:38:Why has the British army|always fought the wily Pathan?
00:06:41:He's just like you, a damn troublemaker.|What's your name?
00:06:44:How did you get into OCTU|not knowing your history?
00:06:48:God help your men.|They'll be torn apart by the wily Pathan.
00:06:53:See your dugouts.|Stand by your dugouts. Stand to. Dig in.
00:06:58:To beat the Hun, dig in then break|through with sword and lance. I think.
00:07:03:Do your best, eh? That's good...
00:07:07:- Body, sir. This is.|- That's very good, Body.
00:07:12:- It is rather wet inside, sir.|- I know it is.
00:07:15:That smell. That smell.
00:07:20:Light the little candle, eh?
00:07:23:This is where the war will be fought.|War of movement, my bum.
00:07:29:Sit down, Body.
00:07:32:Thank you, sir.
00:07:37:You're going to be an officer, young Body.
00:07:40:- I wonder if you know what that means.|- I think so, sir.
00:07:43:- What does it mean, Body?|- It means my mother will be pleased, sir.
00:07:48:I worry about your men, Body.|That's what being an officer means.
00:07:54:You know... I think you know|how England is fixed at the moment.
00:07:58:It's not a question of money, sir.|I'll serve for nothing.
00:08:02:Tell me about yourself...
00:08:04:What I hope I'm saying about England|is that we have no submachine guns,
00:08:09:no rimless cartridges, percussion|grenades, field artillery, no tanks much,
00:08:14:no anti-tanks ever,|no dive bombers, no bombs,
00:08:17:and we invented shrapnel.|Knew him well... His son.
00:08:21:I can't, I fear, I can't march properly|on my own as an officer in the public eye.
00:08:28:Isn't that sickening|when that happens to a chap?
00:08:31:Couldn't your drill instructor|do something?
00:08:33:A quick jab up the crutch.|With a broom?
00:08:43:"They're Coming."|"They're Coming" by EC Grapple MC VD.
00:08:49:And scar.
00:08:51:"They're Coming."
00:08:54:They're coming from the shires|Coming from the byres
00:08:57:They're coming from the cities and towns
00:08:59:They're coming from the factories|They're coming from the farms...
00:09:04:- You married?|- No, I play the harmonica.
00:09:07:I'm coming after you civil reservists|to see if you can remember about rifles
00:09:11:and thumbs down the seams|of your slacks,
00:09:14:into your pink civvy thoughts|with my big black boots,
00:09:17:bearing a big, black, knobbly stick.
00:09:21:So take a hold of yourselves. Stand still.
00:09:24:- Face your front.|- I am.
00:09:25:Squad, 'shun!
00:09:28:- Down them rifles.|- Rifles!
00:09:30:- Splinter.|- Slope arms.
00:09:33:Two, three, across...
00:09:35:- Hands...|- Down!
00:09:37:(Transom) Throw them rifles.
00:09:39:- Will advance.|- Front, Clapper.
00:09:41:- Splinter.|- By the right, quick march.
00:09:45:Left, right, left, right, left...
00:09:48:(Grapple) Coming dressed in overalls...
00:09:50:- Retire. About.|- Coming with umbrellas...
00:09:54:- Coming bringing gifts...|- Turn!
00:09:58:Stand still. Those two men, about.
00:10:04:Don't speak to me like that.|I'm a married man.
00:10:07:About turn.
00:10:10:By the right, quick march.
00:10:19:What's this? Halt.
00:10:21:Stand still. Never, ever|have I seen such a sight.
00:10:25:- Am I hurting you?|- No.
00:10:27:I should be. I'm standing on your hair.
00:10:30:- Who said that?|- Is this North Africa?
00:10:32:- Catterick.|- Marching like idiots.
00:10:35:- Never...|- In all my life!
00:10:36:It really is only a question of getting|the right leg to respond to my brain.
00:10:41:Move to the right in threes.
00:10:44:- Wait for it.|- Where are you going? Still.
00:10:46:- It's no good to me.|- My finger. There's a splinter.
00:10:49:- Right in threes. Right turn.|- Would you go sick?
00:10:54:- I want to fight.|- That's the spirit.
00:10:57:- Who's the one in the flat hat?|- Baden-Powell.
00:11:00:Fall in, you.|On the command, move. Move.
00:11:05:Don't look at him, look at me.
00:11:08:If you look at him,|I'll give you to him.
00:11:10:You can be put into his hands.|You can spend your life with such as him.
00:11:16:- Oh...|- Brain, brawn and guile...
00:11:18:They're coming dressed in overalls|Coming dressed in tweed...
00:11:22:To the front, salute.
00:11:25:- As you were.|- Hit them rifles.
00:11:27:You won't break them.|To the front, salute!
00:11:32:Of skin and guts and fortitude|Of brain and brawn and guile
00:11:37:And what is more,|they're yours, young man
00:11:42:See you do well by them.
00:11:44:(piano flourish)
00:11:49:(sparse applause)
00:11:55:(Goodbody) I'll never forget the moment|I was appointed to my first command.
00:11:59:No...
00:12:01:- Oh...|- Him!
00:12:03:Squad, 'shun.
00:12:14:- We're all going to die.|- I'm gonna die in North Africa.
00:12:17:Come, now, be fair.|Not all of us, Corporal of Musket.
00:12:20:- There will be survivors.|- (machine gun)
00:12:23:Many of us, even, will survive training.
00:12:25:It's personal. Can I speak to you|on a personal matter?
00:12:28:Personal? Keep your rear down.
00:12:31:It's her, sir. She's getting stuffed the|jacksy off her by the man from the Pru.
00:12:35:Jacksy?
00:12:37:That is posterior, that is.
00:12:41:Some spy says he gets his hoggins|every Monday, regular as dick,
00:12:45:along with the 18d funeral policy.
00:12:48:- Hoggins?|- Is it right, sir?
00:12:51:- Is he intimate?|- He's no friend of mine, sir.
00:12:57:I ask you, in all conscience,
00:12:59:is it right that a serviceman is forced|to carnal knowledge for the insurance?
00:13:03:No, no, decidedly not.
00:13:07:I'll do anything you advise, sir.
00:13:09:Well, Clapper, is your good lady wife|a willing partner to this hoggins?
00:13:14:No, sir. It's this damn war.|It's got her excited.
00:13:17:And him, he's suave.
00:13:20:- Go on.|- Not in my silk stockings!
00:13:24:Here, you've brought|your child's gas mask.
00:13:28:Oh, no, not in front|of your child's gas mask.
00:13:32:Well, Clapper, lapse the policy.|It's yours, isn't it?
00:13:37:Good. Then lapse it. You don't need|a funeral policy in the army.
00:13:40:You get the last post.
00:13:47:My word.
00:13:49:Then the insurance will not call|on a Monday for his hoggins.
00:13:52:My life. What you've saved|is my life and my honey pot.
00:13:58:Do you mind if I gives|a jump of admiration here, sir?
00:14:04:Dirty bleeder. He'll have to entertain|somewhere else to obtain satisfaction.
00:14:10:Hold on, I'll rescue you, Clapper.
00:14:14:We didn't all die.|I often didn't feel well.
00:14:18:But I put a brave face on it|and we were soon sent to Egypt,
00:14:21:it seemed at the time,|where I volunteered myself. Didn't we all?
00:14:26:What the bloody hell are you doing here?
00:14:29:I'm here, sir, at your convenience.
00:14:35:Ernest.
00:14:37:I know the names of all my men, sir.
00:14:40:Come over here.|Your eyes are bright.
00:14:44:- My knees are brown, sir.|- Nice, I've got brown knees.
00:14:48:You'd like to get away from here,|Ernest, wouldn't you? See some action.
00:14:53:- My sole ambition, sir.|- I know.
00:14:56:Ernest, I want you to take your troop of|musketeers and go and do this job for me.
00:15:01:If you do it well, you need never|hang around on street corners again.
00:15:06:You can go away and do stirring things.|Would you like that?
00:15:10:Oh, sir.
00:15:12:Sir, I'd give my right arm and leg.
00:15:16:It's not you, sir.|I'm not bored with you. I love you.
00:15:21:In a strict metaphorical way|of speaking, as it were.
00:15:25:I'd give them my arm and leg.|Damn sporting of you, sir.
00:15:32:The lads will be chuffed.
00:15:34:- (gulps)|- I gulped.
00:15:36:I used to gulp like a fish|every time a general touched me.
00:15:39:One time, when I was a subaltern...|Nice eyes.
00:15:43:We are exchanging bubblegum cards.|We are staff officers.
00:15:49:- Have you got Dunkirk?|- Toby's got Dunkirk.
00:15:52:There's a lot of Dunkirk about.|Ghastly colours.
00:15:55:- I do a bit of Sunday painting myself.|- I want School Bombing.
00:15:58:- We know what you want, Toby.|- I want School Bombing.
00:16:02:- (laughter)|- Not much doubt about morale here, eh?
00:16:05:It's funny when the killing starts.|Some of them don't like it.
00:16:09:That's where you come in. I want you|to set up an advanced area cricket pitch.
00:16:13:Did you think you can do that?|Can you read a map?
00:16:16:239451 or thereabouts, near an oasis.
00:16:19:Get some grass if you can.|Doesn't matter if you can't.
00:16:22:I want it first class,|and I want it in September.
00:16:25:That means you have three days from|the time you land behind enemy lines.
00:16:30:It's got to be a good pitch because|a very important bod is going to see it.
00:16:34:- How much is she?|- Does she take bully beef?
00:16:38:He's going to come up out|of the torment of the noblest of games
00:16:41:and hear the sharp click|of leather on willow.
00:16:44:Ah, with his weary soldier boys.|That'll show them, bring their tails up.
00:16:49:Show this very important bod just how|high the British soldier can get his tail.
00:16:59:Yes, I want it first class and in three days.|That doesn't give you much time.
00:17:03:I want you to go all out.|Will you go all out for me?
00:17:06:Just remember my standing orders.|Usual thing.
00:17:09:Let no man surrender|if he is wounded and can fight.
00:17:14:- Need I say more?|- No, sir.
00:17:18:And thank you, sir, for your faith.
00:17:22:I'll do what I can to tire her out, sir,|so these young soldiers don't get hurt.
00:17:46:Hey, hey, hey. It's a dangerous job|and it's an important job.
00:17:53:The next three days|are not going to be a picnic.
00:17:56:I want you to come to me not only as|a troop leader - and it is a good troop -
00:18:01:but also as a friend.
00:18:03:Should you have any doubts, problems,|do not hesitate to come to me.
00:18:09:I want you to feel you can come to me|for help as you would your own father.
00:18:13:Hello, Dad, Mum's been looking|all over the shop for you.
00:18:17:Back! Mines!
00:18:21:Reverse engines!
00:18:23:(yells)
00:18:27:Hard astern.
00:18:31:To me, sir! Troop!
00:18:36:Good job I saw that. Good job, eh?
00:18:39:Very heavily mined, you'll find, I'm sure.|We're best out of here.
00:18:46:To me.
00:19:01:Rally to me, Third Troop.
00:19:05:If it is humanly possible.
00:19:08:I shouldn't be left on my own.
00:19:11:I can't win a war on my own.
00:19:15:I'm rather too young.
00:19:21:I feel I'm folding up like a telescope.
00:19:30:I hold the DSO. I do hold the DSO, after all.
00:19:40:- Commando?|- No.
00:19:42:On your feet.
00:19:53:(speaks German)
00:20:05:Come inside.
00:20:21:You are Number 1331490?
00:20:25:Lieutenant Ernest Goodbody|of His Majesty's Brigade of Musketeers.
00:20:30:Huh? Educated|at Wellington and Marlborough.
00:20:32:Before the war, a solicitor in the firm|of Nicholas, Collins & Osgood.
00:20:37:- Am I right?|- No. Sir.
00:20:41:The name is right,|but all the rest is wrong.
00:20:48:Oh, well, just a guess.|We are not all supermen.
00:20:54:(whistles)
00:20:59:Home is favourite. You wouldn't want us|making a nuisance of ourselves out there.
00:21:04:- Use your initiative.|- I ain't got none.
00:21:06:- Come on. Off, Pongo.|- Matelot! Whose bloody side are you on?
00:21:10:It's a great gamble for a great stake|and I pray to God that it comes off.
00:21:16:- I like a game of cricket myself.|- Don't you know there's a war on, jack?
00:21:20:Oh, come on, don't give me that.|The sea has always bred heroes.
00:21:23:At the battle of Trafalgar, one of the|French captains had both legs blown off.
00:21:29:- And he directed his men to the end.|- I'll see what I can do for you.
00:21:32:- More than my job's worth.|- Mount, come on. Juldi/ Drivers, start up!
00:21:40:We do have some drivers, don't we?|Well, who drove them on? I did.
00:21:50:Clutch in, move gear, pedal down,|clutch out, now all together.
00:21:55:(all) Clutch in, move gear,|pedal down, clutch out.
00:22:06:Very good.
00:22:19:Come on, come on. Give me some speed.|Put that brake on.
00:22:25:Clutch. Don't get too near the man in front.
00:22:29:It's working.
00:22:32:It this absolutely North Africa?
00:22:34:Because I'd like you|to have my best boots.
00:22:36:I don't want your best boots.|Gear in. Accelerator down. Best boots(!)
00:22:41:No, they're good lads.|They'd follow you anywhere.
00:22:46:Hark at them, gazing on me|with their trusting little eyes.
00:22:49:- Sir.|- Shufty.
00:22:51:My feet's wet, sir. Sir, my feet's wet.
00:22:56:- It's disgusting. They are manky.|- Well, they're yours.
00:23:00:- You gave them toys.|- Yours.
00:23:03:I haven't been able to command respect|since before the war.
00:23:06:Right, stop! Stop!
00:23:10:Stop!
00:23:14:Then they're Mr Goodbody's,|who we seem to have mislaid.
00:23:17:We'll do our best to find him. I'm gonna|shoot the bleeder, dropping me in it.
00:23:22:Out, Gripweed. Handbrake on.
00:23:25:Come here.
00:23:26:- Is your feet, Gripweed, wet?|- No.
00:23:29:You're giving me lies.|Goodbody will want to see your feet.
00:23:32:- They dried.|- Then you best get them wet again. Move!
00:23:36:- At the double.|- At the double.
00:23:38:- Anybody else?|- Left, right, left, right...
00:23:42:- (horn)|- Sarge!
00:23:44:(horn blares)
00:23:51:I'll teach you to try|to put the blame on me.
00:23:53:That was a nasty moment.|Right, all together now.
00:23:56:- Mr Goodbody, sir.|- (all) Mr Goodbody, sir.
00:24:01:(all) Mr Goodbody! Mr Goodbody, sir!
00:24:10:Peter Nan Oboe...|Peter Nan Oboe... Peter Nan Oboe...
00:24:18:Netting call, net now.
00:24:21:Seen any Musketeers|swanning about, trooper?
00:24:25:Come here.
00:24:28:Come here.
00:24:30:All stations, report my signal.|Peter Nan Oboe... Peter Nan Oboe...
00:24:39:Fourth Muskets, aren't you?|Been expecting you.
00:24:42:- Blue, white and two reds.|- I'm green, green, green, sir.
00:24:46:Oh, I know you are.
00:24:48:Well, keep out of my way|until the pitch is ready to play.
00:24:51:Peter Nan Oboe...|Hello, all stations, report my signal.
00:24:55:- Where are they?|- Who, sir?
00:24:58:- The Bedoo, my wily Arabs.|- I've lost contact with my men too, sir.
00:25:03:- Oh, brew, sir?|- Treating them right? No!
00:25:06:- They think the world of me.|- They should be up here then.
00:25:09:- No brew.|- Bum on. On to Tripoli.
00:25:13:Uh...
00:25:15:- Come on.|- I was wondering, sir, a lift.
00:25:18:Sir... I...
00:25:25:Bum on. Bum on.
00:25:48:- Oh, it's gonna hurt, Flo.|- Damn, damn!
00:25:54:Get me another vehicle.|Come on, come on, come on.
00:25:58:- Ah!|- I'll take one of yours. Come on, come on!
00:26:04:- Come on, come on!|- Where've you been?
00:26:07:Get out. Come on, come on.
00:26:11:Get out.
00:26:13:Looking after their feet, are you, boy?|See they get plenty of tea.
00:26:17:Curious thing, that, give the British soldier|plenty of tea, and he'll die for you.
00:26:23:Of course, I'm a poet.|I expect things. I love the desert.
00:26:26:You took me for an ignorant old fire-eater.|No. I'm sleeping with the desert.
00:26:31:Not unusual. Pat a white rump in the|desert and you'll startle an Englishman.
00:26:36:The Englishman loves the desert.
00:26:38:- You?|- I'm trying, sir.
00:26:41:Er, I play the piano. Not boasting.|Just a fact, that's all. Working class.
00:26:46:I think you should. Look after their feet,|boy. They can't be trusted with their feet.
00:26:50:Feet and brew-ups and you'll find|you can do anything with him.
00:26:54:Keep a tight rein on his habits.|Those of a pig, mostly.
00:26:58:But even a pig has his moment. Carries|the blue ribbon. Don't despise your men.
00:27:03:They've given me a good life|so don't despise them. Here.
00:27:06:Share these out amongst them.
00:27:11:- Remember me, Grapple of the Bedoo.|- I won't bloody remember you.
00:27:17:- He used to be a fascist, sir.|- It takes all sorts.
00:27:20:Fascism is something you grow out of.|I tried to change the world myself.
00:27:25:Doesn't do. I wouldn't think anything|of you if you hadn't been a fascist.
00:27:29:Keep them at it|so they don't have time for dirty things.
00:27:32:Come on, young fella,|you've only got three more days.
00:27:35:No time for poetry.
00:27:40:(bugle)
00:27:44:- There goes a very gallant gentleman.|- Oh, I know, sir, like you, sir.
00:27:49:Thank you, sir,|for not holding fascism against me.
00:27:52:I was a great mate of Mosley's. I held his|voice for him while he lost his meetings.
00:27:59:Hey, hey, I'd just like to say a few words.
00:28:06:Move, now.|I want to say how pleased I am...
00:28:14:How pleased I was
00:28:16:when I heard that I was going to lead you|on this dangerous and important task.
00:28:25:I've always thought that when the time|came, we'd all get on splendidly together.
00:28:30:Bravery, things like that.
00:28:33:(yells)
00:28:35:When I was told I was to be your troop|leader, I had a little weep and a laugh.
00:28:41:I do know we're all going|to get on splendidly together.
00:28:44:- You play ball with me...|- (men) And I'll play ball with you.
00:28:48:(all) You do your bit and I'll do mine.
00:28:52:We're all members of the same team,
00:28:54:each playing our part|in the fight for freedom and democracy.
00:29:00:Never surrender. Work hard. Train hard.|Play hard. And kill hard.
00:29:07:Don't take it too hard.
00:29:10:(Grapple) Look after your lads. They're no|good to me if their feet aren't up to snuff.
00:29:20:It hurts, Flo.
00:29:22:It is impossible to tell all the touching and|heroic stories of courage and patience...
00:29:27:- It hurts, Flo.|- Run them under the cold tap, love.
00:29:52:It is indeed a lovely sight.
00:29:54:Thank you, sir, it is my best part.
00:29:57:- Corporal of Musket!|- Can I put my shirt on now, sir?
00:30:00:Have you seen it?|It is indeed a lovely sight.
00:30:05:Corporal of Musket, look at it.
00:30:07:Will you be available for stag, sir?
00:30:09:If you will be taking your turn on guard,|I'd suggest first stag and me on last,
00:30:14:making sure you was fresh for command|on the off at the most likely times.
00:30:19:Pro tem, you can say no, I'll have you|down for mine being off at the first light.
00:30:24:Think we ought to green, green, green?
00:30:26:- Not unless you want bang, bang, bang.|- In the sky? Send up the Union Jack!
00:30:31:White and two reds...
00:30:33:That's very like the Colonel,|which reminds me...
00:30:37:If you do take a stag, sir, that's one hour|each, unless you keep the wireless open,
00:30:41:making the operator|unavailable for guard.
00:30:44:- That's me.|- Wireless silence, Corporal of Musket.
00:30:47:What have we got a wireless for, then?
00:30:50:We can't have wireless silence|without a wireless, can we, Spool?
00:30:56:Do come in, Corporal of Musket.
00:30:59:Of course I'll take my turn. That goes|without saying. Put me down for last stag.
00:31:06:- Gripweed.|- Sir?
00:31:09:Green, green, green.
00:31:11:Well, our officer calls me up and he says,|"Musketeer Gripweed..."
00:31:16:He was a tall chap.|Some would call him weedy. I did.
00:31:19:He said to me, and bear in mind we were|a few hundred miles behind enemy lines,
00:31:24:"Green, green, green" so I did.
00:31:28:(shots)
00:31:30:What...?
00:31:33:(speaks German)
00:31:40:Grün, grün, grün? Weg/
00:31:42:These were given to me|by a very gallant gentleman.
00:31:47:- I want to see all feet before we move.|- I think that was a mistake, sir.
00:31:54:Why, Corporal Dooley?|Have they been neglecting their feet?
00:31:58:- Have you?|- Get away from those vehicles.
00:32:15:(shouts)
00:32:36:(explosion)
00:32:40:Dooley, hitch that roller up.
00:34:43:- That's a relief.|- (all) That's a relief.
00:34:45:- Is this still North Africa?|- What?
00:34:48:Brew-up, sir?
00:34:49:You see why those lorries burnt so well|and exploded - nay, came apart -
00:34:53:that's petrol and lubricants,|which is very difficult to get in war.
00:34:57:- Not for the British army. Or doctors.|- Right.
00:35:03:All we're getting on with now is casualties.|Report me casualties.
00:35:07:Ammo, water, petrol remaining.
00:35:09:One, have we got enough to get|to the oasis - which we will - is a point?
00:35:13:Two days, Corporal of Musket.
00:35:15:Two, dip for remaining fuel,|Corporal Dooley.
00:35:19:What's this?
00:35:24:That's a coward, sir.|We were bound to have one.
00:35:27:You can tell by the sweat|and the mess on his uniform.
00:35:30:- Not a pretty sight, is he, sir?|- He's taking all his clothes off.
00:35:36:Now, stop this. That.
00:35:40:- Will you take my horse, sir?|- (canned laughter)
00:35:43:Take no large notice, sir.|He is working what is known as ticket.
00:35:46:It keeps the lads amused.
00:35:48:Pick those bits up, Gripweed.
00:35:50:- Where's your tin hat, Juniper?|- Losing by neglect, sir.
00:35:53:If I catch you without it again,|I'll ram it down your throat.
00:35:57:Losing one mess tin.
00:35:59:- Did you have your name on it?|- Scratched on.
00:36:02:- Pull these men together.|- Scratched on?
00:36:05:- Scored it.|- You disfigured government property?
00:36:08:Six days Royal Warrant.|March him off, Musket Major. Two men.
00:36:14:You ought to camouflage up, sir,|or get the scrim up if you're stopping.
00:36:18:Us in our vest are exposed|to all manner of nastiness.
00:36:22:I'm going to explode, but I won't.
00:36:25:I think the roller, don't you?
00:36:28:- Bayonet. Where's your bayonet?|- Must have left it sticking in the enemy.
00:36:32:- Where's your spur?|- Left it in the horse.
00:36:35:- Two men.|- (canned laughter continues)
00:36:42:- There, on the end of my finger.|- Finger?
00:36:46:- Musketeer Juniper, where's your finger?|- Left it up the Khyber Pass.
00:36:50:Self-inflicted injury.|March him off, Musket Major. Wait for it!
00:36:55:Two men.
00:36:59:I'm going away. I'm going|to walk a few paces backwards.
00:37:05:And I'm going to take a bearing,|out of earshot.
00:37:10:I am... right now.
00:37:14:Me. And when I get back,|I want that man in there out of there...
00:37:20:where I command from,|with all his clothes on.
00:37:24:And I want the roller|limbered up for moving.
00:37:27:With all his clothes on.
00:37:30:PDQ.
00:37:34:- That's a relief.|- That's a relief.
00:37:37:Excuse me, sir. Sorry, sir.
00:37:40:That's a relief.
00:37:43:Two men.
00:37:49:Mount!
00:37:53:- It's for your own good, lad.|- Let me out.
00:37:55:Let me out.
00:38:00:- Will you put this on?|- No. Bloody let me out.
00:38:10:I wish I had 20 like you, Corporal Dooley.
00:38:17:Do you think you ought to go sick?
00:38:23:Driver, advance.
00:38:27:(theme from "Lawrence Of Arabia")
00:39:08:Get your cable out, Gripweed.|Get this half-track back.
00:39:13:Drogue, records|for the regimental magazine.
00:39:15:Right reverse. Come on.
00:39:18:Back, back, back, back. Right!
00:39:22:Come on, hitch it on.
00:39:29:Cable attached, Gripweed?|Right, forward.
00:39:41:Sorry, the gears look all alike.
00:39:48:Smile, please.
00:40:05:- That's a relief.|- That's a relief.
00:40:12:Dig the officer out.
00:40:23:(theme from "Lawrence Of Arabia")
00:40:41:- Brew-up, sir?|- I think so, yes.
00:40:53:Can you read a map, Corporal of Musket?
00:41:00:This is the Via Balbia.
00:41:03:Now, there is where...
00:41:05:There... we get our petrol from.
00:41:09:- We take it from a German petrol dump.|- Very good, sir.
00:41:18:That man, stand still.
00:41:21:- Clapper.|- Me?
00:41:23:You're improperly dressed.
00:41:28:- Best boots in for repair, sir?|- Do your button up, lad. You're idle.
00:41:33:- Oh, ta.|- Entertaining the troops.
00:41:36:My wife - large girl - works in a caff.|Biggest chips in the business.
00:41:42:There have been|too many unwounded prisoners taken.
00:41:45:Don't let it happen again.|Cut your throats next time.
00:41:48:Talking of throats, my wife. I took her|to the station to see the engines shunt.
00:41:53:Christmas, lovely girl, do you know|what she had in her stocking?
00:41:57:Legs, all the way up.
00:42:01:- He's mad.|- No, he's not, sir.
00:42:04:Working his ticket. It's inevitable.
00:42:06:You, when you find yourself surrounded|by the enemy with no hope of survival,
00:42:11:you must organise yourself|into a defensive locality and hold out.
00:42:15:I will.
00:42:16:By doing so, you will add enormously|to the enemy's difficulties.
00:42:19:I'd like to add to the enormous enemy...|I've never been a bother.
00:42:23:You will also save yourself spending|the rest of the war years in the bag.
00:42:27:I mean, the box. Prisoner-of-war camp.|Sitting there, going... (repeated ticks)
00:42:39:Let us go into the ring|in this, our first round,
00:42:44:with the light of battle in our eyes and|the strength of the righteous in our hearts.
00:42:49:- He's not mad.|- Yes, he is, sir.
00:42:52:Keep the first three rows for the officers.
00:42:54:- Sir. Tea, sir? Thank you, sir, tea, sir.|- (Juniper) Take my wife.
00:42:58:You, the commanding officer! You look|as if you're suffering from bottle fatigue.
00:43:06:- The man's mad, eh?|- No, he's not, sir.
00:43:09:Working his ticket.|Put him somewhere, he might cop one.
00:43:12:- I want to fight.|- Good lad.
00:43:16:Is that a linear belt? It's very nice.
00:43:20:Yes, well. Put some clothes on|and we'll see, eh?
00:43:25:Ah! This damn sand.|When will it ever end?
00:43:32:You see, the thing about fighting|a desert war is that it is a clean war.
00:43:38:Without brutality. Clean-limbed, without|dishonourable actions on either side.
00:43:43:Number 18, concerning the weather.
00:43:47:What wretched, filthy, glorious,|disappointing weather we are having.
00:43:54:And there are no civilians in the desert.|Except me. I'm a civilian.
00:44:01:But what am I then?
00:44:04:Well, try as I may, I can't see you|queuing for a number eight bus,
00:44:09:jingling your fourpence.
00:44:12:That's because I'm German.
00:44:15:(speaking German)
00:44:23:I think you are a civilian.
00:44:26:Yes, certainly I am.|Don't be put off by the clothes we wear.
00:44:29:We only wear these for fighting in.
00:44:31:I expect I've grown out|of my Harris tweeds by now.
00:44:35:Putting it that way, I think we all are.
00:44:39:Yes, I think underneath|we are all blameless.
00:44:45:- Hey, Franz, you are a civilian.|- A civilian?
00:44:51:"Thank Christ for that" he said,|laying down his rifle and going home,
00:44:55:so helping to perpetuate the dangerous|myth that soldiers don't like war.
00:44:59:Which they do.
00:45:05:It's a strange thought to think that this will|be the last world war fought by civilians.
00:45:11:I find it strange.
00:45:13:It'll make a nice change|to stick a bayonet into a chap
00:45:16:rather than a rotten old sandbag.
00:45:20:You'll be all right, lad.
00:45:23:I'm not going. Let him nick his own petrol.|I've got a young wife.
00:45:28:(all mutter)
00:45:31:- Now, see, lads, there's more to it, eh?|- (discontent increases)
00:45:36:There's lots of satisfaction|to be had out of the anticipation.
00:45:40:There's lots of fun and letting off steam.|It's not all death.
00:45:45:There's lots of fun to be had|out of other things as well.
00:45:48:Now, come on, let's take a look at you.
00:45:51:- (clamour)|- Hang on a minute.
00:45:54:Can't let you down|with dirty nails, can we?
00:45:57:Right. Crews front. Get fell in.
00:45:59:(shouting)
00:46:04:- Don't say or tell them anything.|- My wife is young.
00:46:08:If you say anything, whisper,|so they won't know.
00:46:10:- Happy, shed a tear, entertained.|- I haven't got a wife yet. I've never done it.
00:46:15:I'll stick my bayonet up the jacksy of|the first who talks loud of love and wives
00:46:21:and children - I've got children.
00:46:23:I play the piano.|I'm not fighting this war for them.
00:46:26:Now, then, first one to look wonky|will get my boot up his dirtbox.
00:46:31:I die now in North Africa.|I've been crying, telling you.
00:46:34:Don't ask, don't threaten,|don't plead, keep it shut.
00:46:37:- I'm not a thief.|- Now, then, you're all clean for gangrene.
00:46:42:Don't loose me down. If we should be|stonked, get away from the vehicles.
00:46:46:I want to see you back here,|clean, bright and spent.
00:46:49:Keep it wrapped, don't do anything I|wouldn't. There's transport if you want it.
00:46:53:If you're picked up,|tell them you're a Guardsman.
00:46:56:Hands out of your pockets.|Top hats will not be worn.
00:46:59:No fish and chips in uniform.|Parade... Parade, turn.
00:47:09:- Parade ready for your inspection, sir.|- Thank you, Corporal of Musket.
00:47:17:- Musketeer Drogue, isn't it?|- I'd like you to have my blessing.
00:47:21:Don't worry too much. Very good turnout.
00:47:25:There's been marvellous advances|in surgery, thanks to war.
00:47:28:- Well done, Musketeer Drogue. Black up.|- (quacks)
00:47:32:You can't make me fight.
00:47:34:No, but we can put you where your|decision might prove fatal. Pieces of jam.
00:47:39:Right, mount.
00:47:42:I don't know your name|but I'd like you to have my camera.
00:47:48:Orders, information enemy, nil.|Information own troops. We are...
00:47:54:(all) Third Troop of the Fourth Muskets|acting in an independent role as infantry,
00:47:59:lorried behind the enemy lines|with sports equipment.
00:48:25:(Goodbody) Intention.
00:48:27:(all) We shall, under cover of darkness,
00:48:31:occupy a position|overlooking the enemy encampment.
00:48:36:We will then attack|and destroy the enemy for his petrol.
00:48:45:I spy with my little eye|something beginning with G.
00:48:54:Method. Corporal Dooley, with one LMG,|will move forward to high ground
00:48:58:at 1.00 o'clock from my present position.
00:49:01:(all) The rest of the troop,|under my command,
00:49:03:will crawl to a point - figures -|100 yards in front of the objective
00:49:10:where they will wait for the LMG|to get into position.
00:49:14:The signal for the LMG to open fire|shall be green, green, green.
00:49:20:The LMG shall cease firing|when the main attack is mounted
00:49:25:and is within - figures -|50 yards of the objective.
00:49:31:We will consolidate on the objective.|We shall not take prisoners.
00:49:36:If we pull together,|with true British pluck and team spirit,
00:49:39:we shall, with the help|of the Almighty God of battles,
00:49:43:win his just victory|over the forces of evil.
00:49:46:Good luck. I'm a little duck|so let's get quacking into battle.
00:49:50:- Come on.|- Eh?
00:49:52:Who's the Almighty God of battles?|Jesus, is it?
00:49:55:That's right. It will be. Jesus.
00:49:58:Clapper, I'd like you to have my watch.
00:50:32:(shouting in German)
00:51:25:Command, forward!
00:51:33:Come on! Come on!
00:51:45:Forward!
00:51:47:(Goodbody) Follow me!
00:52:03:(speaking German)
00:52:25:(shouting in German)
00:53:00:Where are you going, lad?|Why don't you make the best of it?
00:53:03:It can be fun. Some have|the best of their life in the army.
00:53:06:(screaming/canned laughter)
00:53:49:A rout! A disgraceful rout.
00:53:53:Get fell in. Let's see your bayonets.|Have them out, have them out.
00:53:57:Why are you laughing, Drogue?|Wipe that smile off your face.
00:54:00:Let's see 'em, at the end of your hype -
00:54:02:not waving about|like a hampton searching for a hand.
00:54:05:What do we wear in our caps?|Does it need cleaning, Juniper?
00:54:09:- Yes, it does.|- Look at them all, shining bright.
00:54:11:Fancy me fighting filthy like that.|An old chubby duster like me.
00:54:16:Might have got gangrene from that.|I'll have it out with my servant.
00:54:21:Filthy! Get a tube, siphon petrol from|the gin palace and fill up the half-track.
00:54:25:- That's you out of mischief.|- Look at them all, shining bright.
00:54:28:- I want them stinking.|- Corporal of Musket.
00:54:35:Condensed milk.
00:54:38:About all you're good for,|sticking it in tins.
00:54:41:Your badge represents the regiment|and the regiment represents all of us.
00:54:46:You, me, all of us here today.
00:54:49:- A dirty badge is a disgrace.|- They shouldn't be clean.
00:54:52:Shining bright? Two days,|for having a dirty bayonet.
00:54:55:- They shouldn't be clean.|- They should be sticky with blood.
00:55:00:What did you return with?
00:55:02:- I got some pretty things.|- No, no.
00:55:04:I want to see you coming back|on the high port, grinning.
00:55:07:With blood running down arms,|dripping from elbows.
00:55:10:I don't care whose blood it is.|Stick it in your mate.
00:55:13:Let's have it used. I hate waste.
00:55:17:See. See mine.
00:55:22:It represents your father,|mine, his before that.
00:55:26:It represents battles|fought and won years ago.
00:55:29:Battles fought so that we could live|as we wanted to,
00:55:32:long before the Americans|were even thought of.
00:55:35:They didn't invent living, you know.|It represents tradition, Musketeer.
00:55:39:And I for one won't stand|for a dirty tradition.
00:55:43:Get the nonsense out of them.
00:55:44:I tried to get you interested.|You'll have to learn the hard way.
00:55:48:Squad, 'shun!
00:55:50:High port.
00:55:52:At the throat, point in!
00:55:55:Out! En garde. Shout it, Clapper.
00:55:57:- In, out, en garde!|- Let's hear from you.
00:56:01:Can I see you|for a moment, personal, sir?
00:56:04:- What?|- It's the butcher this time, sir.
00:56:07:With his steak and his mutton.|She'll do anything for extra.
00:56:10:(soldiers) Left nipple, right groin/
00:56:13:Left nipple, right groin/
00:56:16:Is it now the butcher which is carrying out|intimacy at your home address?
00:56:20:- (all) In, out, en garde.|- Is it right, sir?
00:56:23:- Is it right a butcher should...|- (all) Whip it out!
00:56:26:- (all) Whip it in!|...while her husband is away fighting?
00:56:29:- (all) And wipe it.|- At the throat, jab. Shout it, Clapper.
00:56:33:At the throat, jab!
00:56:36:At the throat, jab! At the throat, jab!
00:56:40:- Kill him. Kill the bleeder.|- At the throat, Gripweed!
00:56:43:- How's this for openers?|- (engine)
00:56:50:Now, watch closely.
00:56:52:I am about to demonstrate the correct use|of the identification triangle.
00:56:59:Oblique, middle and near east.|Oblique, yellow.
00:57:06:Each platoon, troop or tactical unit
00:57:08:will detail one man|to carry the triangle at all times.
00:57:12:Now watch closely, Clapper, because|in future you will be the triangle man.
00:57:19:But any one of you might be called upon|to be conversant with the triangle.
00:57:24:So watch closely.|You won't get another chance.
00:57:27:It is tied under the chin, like so.
00:57:31:On the approach of a friendly aircraft,
00:57:34:the bearer stands in a prominent position|and displays the triangle thus.
00:57:43:- Where's the roller gone?|- (machine gun)
00:57:47:Gripweed, have you stolen the roller?
00:57:56:Where's that roller gone?
00:57:58:This is the last straw.
00:58:02:That is it. No one move from this spot.
00:58:07:There'll be no more leave, late-night|passes until that roller is returned.
00:58:12:I get you all clean, fit,|ready for fighting and what do you do?
00:58:16:There'll be no more privileges.|I'll stop this petty thieving.
00:58:22:And, Gripweed, what's more,|who's had my Brylcreem?
00:58:26:- You?|- Never touch the stuff, I'm excused hair.
00:58:31:There! Italian recreation eyeties!|You can't put a bloody thing down.
00:58:37:There is a code, you know. Scavengers.
00:58:51:Sticks in my craw. I can take most things|but stealing I draw the line at.
00:58:56:Here we are, fighting|the most desperate war in history,
00:58:59:and a few wop adventurers|act the giddy goat.
00:59:02:I've seen your sort fumigated.|If a wop can be fumigated.
00:59:05:To think they once handed out|ice cream wafers.
00:59:08:To think you once handed out|cornets on a Sunday afternoon.
00:59:11:Is there no damn decency left in you?|No respect for the property of others?
00:59:17:Play your ridiculous game but don't|expect us to take any notice of you.
00:59:21:Grown men in shorts! I'm pretty incensed.
00:59:24:It's one of the most shocking things|in the war.
00:59:26:It's a shame the Italian nation|has to be brought into disrepute
00:59:30:by the lunatic actions|of a pitiful few fascist pimps.
00:59:35:And let that be a lesson to you!
00:59:51:(engine cuts out)
01:00:12:Well done! Oh, very well done!
01:00:15:- (cheering)|- Italia/
01:00:18:The tide is turning.|Our very first real victory.
01:00:23:The beginning of the end for the Boche.|I think the tide is turning. I do!
01:00:27:You got him, Tranners! I do!
01:00:31:- Wasn't he one of ours?|- Here's one of mine.
01:00:35:- Go on, get him.|- Let that be a lesson to you.
01:00:38:- Shoot your own officers.|- You can't leave a thing lying around.
01:00:42:There's nobody to be trusted in total war.|Well done, though.
01:00:47:Our first real victory. The writing|on the wall. We're coming back, Adolf.
01:00:53:The tide has turned.
01:00:55:Come on, Gripweed. The army didn't|bring you to admire the view.
01:00:59:There's a job to be done|and precious little time.
01:01:01:You two check for damage.|Juniper, put that petrol in the half-track.
01:01:05:Empty your water bottles into the roller.|We need the weight.
01:01:09:Come on, Clapper, stop daydreaming.
01:01:11:Tell the wife to drop the butcher and|become a vegetarian. That's my advice.
01:01:15:Thank you, sir. Thank you,|you've saved my life again, sir.
01:01:19:Then he won't be round|tempting her with his buckshee mutton.
01:01:23:Bloody waste of time. Soft git.
01:01:29:I know it's a long way.|I know it's not glamorous as a job.
01:01:34:I know there are others doing jobs|in this war that are more glamorous.
01:01:39:But I had this promise.
01:01:42:Some soldiers are going to come out of|the din of battle and are going to thank us.
01:01:48:If we can get our very small cricket pitch|by first light tomorrow morning.
01:01:53:Another 20 miles, that's all.
01:01:55:If we can,
01:01:58:they're going to look|at our small patch of sanity
01:02:01:and they're going to say it was worth it.
01:02:04:They are, and then we...|I have this promise.
01:02:09:We can go and do stirring things.
01:02:12:Bloody waste of...
01:02:24:I'll stop this petty thieving.
01:02:42:Petty thieving!
01:02:45:Do you get much thievery,|cowardice, things like that?
01:02:49:No, no.
01:02:52:Being in improper possession|of a comrade's property.
01:02:56:- Can't put a thing down.|- No.
01:02:59:On the whole, no thievery, no fibbing,|no arguing with a superior officer,
01:03:03:no treachery, no cowardice,|not much rape.
01:03:06:I don't countenance rape.|No letting down of the boys.
01:03:11:They'll have to put all that back.
01:03:14:Most of us are artists.
01:03:18:Ah! He's very good.
01:03:24:Ah, look, they're going|to blow up your geraniums.
01:03:28:Oh, dear.
01:03:43:(theme from "Lawrence Of Arabia")
01:04:18:That's a relief.
01:04:20:What's so damned important|about a damned cricket pitch?
01:04:24:I said, more to show|that though I was an officer,
01:04:28:I could understand the feelings|of ordinary chaps like them.
01:04:31:- But it isn't just a cricket pitch, is it?|- It is.
01:04:36:I'll tell you for why. Because it's|a silly bloody silly cricket pitch is why.
01:04:43:On. We'll find the bloody oasis ourselves.
01:04:52:(German spoken in distance)
01:04:58:(first voice) I'm going to be|in the second battle of Alamein.
01:05:01:(second voice) I'm going to be|in the second battle of Alamein.
01:05:04:I'm excused Alamein... for my feet.
01:05:06:I suppose some form of National|Socialism is inevitable after the war.
01:05:10:(voices overlap and distort)
01:05:13:- I'm going to be in the second battle...|- That's the ticket.
01:05:17:- It is good news, isn't it?|- Congratulations.
01:05:22:I don't half envy you.|What you'll be able to tell your children.
01:05:27:Come on, kids, Dad is going to tell us|about the second battle of Alamein again.
01:05:40:This is today, and I'm still alive today.|My name is Henry Bridgehouse.
01:05:45:I'm still thinking of you all,|and so are you, I fondly hopes, alive,
01:05:49:and all the kiddies still at home,|to whom I send my very best.
01:05:53:Is that all right?
01:05:55:(whimpers)
01:05:58:Any chance of another battle?|It's high time.
01:06:01:You're a great man, a very great man,|but you are impatient.
01:06:04:- I want a battle.|- That is the way to lose battles.
01:06:08:- I want a battle.|- I'll tell you the sort of man I am.
01:06:12:I am patient. At the second battle|of Alamein, I shall be patient.
01:06:17:I shall start the battle... here.
01:06:22:And then I shall go to bed... there.
01:06:25:That is the sort of man I am.|Never fight battles when you're awake.
01:06:29:That is the way to lose battles.
01:06:34:Mines! Don't move.
01:06:41:(screams)
01:06:48:We've done it, lads! We've made it.
01:06:52:Oh, well, done, Third Troop.
01:06:59:They're very beautiful.
01:07:01:What can be done with them|in this world after the war is over?
01:07:06:We're fighting against men|inflicted with a terrible virus.
01:07:12:Do push-ups. Clapper, on your belly.|And it is a belly. I want you fit.
01:07:19:I want 500 guns,|300 tanks, 200 aeroplanes.
01:07:23:I'll tell you my plan.|I hatched it in the lavatory.
01:07:27:My plans are|always hatched in lavatories.
01:07:29:Pull the bleeding chain, then.
01:07:39:- There's none in it.|- Spool, no. Have some pride, lad.
01:07:42:- I let it out.|- Who took the water?
01:07:45:Spool, I'm talking to you, lad.|I can shoot you.
01:07:48:A hole in your head.|You'll die with your silly name.
01:07:51:- I let it out so it would be lighter.|- Shoot me, in my big toe.
01:07:55:I can, you know, shoot you, and him.
01:07:59:And you can, him.|Put a round up him. All it needs.
01:08:03:Come on, come on. Running on the spot.
01:08:06:Begin! One, two, one, two...
01:08:10:- Go on, Gripweed.|- I can't, Tranny.
01:08:12:Yes, you can. It's easy.
01:08:16:It gets easier. That's the thing about it.|The thing I hate more than anything else.
01:08:23:I'm not going to be able|to go home, you know.
01:08:26:A lad I know saved a grenade at Dunkirk.|Didn't drop it in the sandbag.
01:08:32:Saved it, took it home|and put in on his stomach,
01:08:36:holding it between belly and thigh,|and went to bed.
01:08:39:Pin out, relaxed and died.
01:08:42:It gets very easy.
01:08:46:I can look at a man, dead, step over him|ten times a day, going to the cookhouse.
01:08:51:Not curious enough|to turn him over and see his face.
01:08:56:Front lying... down!
01:09:00:I do blame them for that.
01:09:03:This way, sir.
01:09:06:I do blame them for that.
01:09:10:I used to be put off my supper should|I see a cat dead in the middle of the road.
01:09:15:Or a bird, leave alone a man, though|we didn't get much of that down our way.
01:09:22:- So you can.|- I won't, though.
01:09:26:- That's different, won't.|- This beats National Socialism, Gripweed!
01:09:32:I am glad I won't.
01:09:34:Don't move, sir, we're all in a minefield.
01:09:41:It's a very simple plan.|All my plans are simple plans.
01:09:45:Look at Dieppe. That was simple.
01:09:49:Wait until Arnhem.|That's going to be simple.
01:09:52:Gather your ammunition.|Leave your packs by the roller.
01:09:55:- And have them whipped?|- No, Gripweed is coming with us.
01:09:58:I'm simple. Gather round me.|Can you hear me at the back?
01:10:01:- Hi-de-hi!|- Ho-de-ho!
01:10:03:Has he sent you any water, has he?
01:10:06:That man. Corporal of Musket,|stop that man making an ass of himself.
01:10:10:Get all 500 guns and fire them in the same|place to blow the daylights out of them.
01:10:14:- Hold still, Spool.|- Fill your bottles from the roller.
01:10:17:- Give him a drink, Corporal of Musket.|- There's none in there.
01:10:21:- My God, the roller. Get it in the shade.|- I thought it would be lighter.
01:10:25:Come on, lad. We'll get some water when|we capture the oasis. Lashings of water.
01:10:30:We'll send you chaps in|with 200 tanks going like bats out of hell.
01:10:34:You've seen enough now. Off you go,|there's good chaps. Hold his head.
01:10:37:Just who could play a trick like that?|At the best, it's rank inefficiency.
01:10:42:- Me!|- Who took my man's water? I want water.
01:10:45:- How can my men fight without water?|- Me!
01:10:48:I did, I let the bloody water out|to make it lighter.
01:10:51:Give the lad some room, will you?
01:10:53:Would you take that camera away?|There's a good fella.
01:10:56:Haven't you had enough?|Find a battle and film it.
01:10:59:- (Juniper) A good battle.|- Clear these cameramen away.
01:11:02:Haven't you insulted us enough? Your|army is the best in the world. Get away.
01:11:07:It's all right. Don't let him bite this time.
01:11:09:- It's all over. Make a ring round him.|- No, let the bastards see.
01:11:13:No. The next of kin, think of them.
01:11:16:(Spool screams)
01:11:18:That happened to a son of mine.|He was left all through the war.
01:11:22:- They do, don't they?|- With his eardrum.
01:11:25:- It's the noise, I expect.|- Still, he's not dead like some.
01:11:29:- Well, you can forgive.|- Missing. Not dead. They didn't get him.
01:11:34:He'll turn up. Missing, he is.
01:11:38:(bugle)
01:11:40:Colonel! Colonel, any water?
01:11:47:Bum on, bum on, on to Tunis.
01:11:49:See to the roller... and Spool first.
01:11:53:Huzzah! It'll be all right now.|Huzzah! Good old Colonel Grapple.
01:11:58:He's a character that will see us through.|That's the thing about war.
01:12:02:It's a picnic if left to the right officers.|Men who understand our ways.
01:12:06:Treat us like human beings.|What we want is more humane killers.
01:12:10:Good old Colonel Grapple! See you on|personal when you have a moment, sir?
01:12:17:(all) Achtung/
01:12:18:My God! No time for that now.|They must know we're here.
01:12:22:- Rounds per man?|- Three and a half, sir.
01:12:24:When you use that, fix bayonets and die.
01:12:26:Charge is the joke.|Fix bayonets and charge.
01:12:29:- We're all gonna die under funny names.|- Charge.
01:12:32:Good luck to you all. Tally-ho!
01:12:35:Boot the Hun right through to Tunis!
01:12:38:(repeatedly) Fire!
01:12:50:(bagpipes)
01:13:04:Now, bear in mind,|we had him on the run, Jerry.
01:13:08:We'd stood to all night, of course.
01:13:10:As we stood up, the bullets|flew around us. Like rain it was.
01:13:14:I well remember - and bear in mind,|I was platoon sergeant -
01:13:17:it therefore was behove of me|to keep morale up -
01:13:20:so I said, more as a laugh,
01:13:23:cos it wasn't tense or below par...
01:13:26:You very rarely are, at the start line.
01:13:28:Take no notice of the Yanks. They haven't|lived. And they was always bombing us.
01:13:33:Now there's rarely any tenseness.|It's the relaxation you notices.
01:13:37:Little kips all along the start line,|barring them as is already haywire.
01:13:43:So... more to raise a laugh...
01:13:50:Like shoelaces, seeing as they're tight.|Not crippling you, not causing you to trip.
01:13:56:There. (he laughs)
01:13:58:Silly ha'porth! Crippled you. It's important|to raise a laugh on the battlefield.
01:14:05:And very humorous the laughs can be.|Some humorous books being written.
01:14:09:More for a laugh, I said "We should have|us gas capes on. It is raining bullets."
01:14:14:That was when we lost Charles Black|from a raindrop.
01:14:17:I said "We should have us umbrellas|and gas capes, boys. Raining bullets."
01:14:22:"We'll get wet, boys,|if we're not careful, chums" I said.
01:14:25:More for a laugh.
01:14:30:(whistles "Colonel Bogey")
01:15:41:Well, you see? Good.
01:15:45:(speaks German)
01:15:57:Wollen Sie trinken?
01:16:01:(shouting in German)
01:16:23:(groaning)
01:16:29:Oh, my poor horses.
01:16:32:Cavalry horses love the stir and the din,|even the danger, of battle.
01:16:36:The British cavalryman|regards his horse as his friend.
01:16:40:Those who have ponies,|children and horses of your own, at home,
01:16:45:may like to know how well|we look after our steeds.
01:16:48:Sometimes we risk being shot at to put|our wounded mounts out of their misery.
01:16:54:(gunshot, man yelps)
01:16:59:Eight, nine... How's your leg theory,|Corporal of Musket?
01:17:03:I'd like your opinion. What do you think?
01:17:05:As a wicket, likely to vent spiteful|by midday, I think.
01:17:09:Er... Light roller.
01:17:11:Bowlers don't expect miracles.|As a pitch, it will teach you perseverance.
01:17:16:21, 22...
01:17:19:I want a batting crease|four feet from here, Gripweed.
01:17:21:Spool, put a stump in here.
01:17:25:The light should be good.|Keep the water off, I think.
01:17:29:Don't want to have to contend|with a sticky wicket.
01:17:34:On a dead wicket, always bat first.
01:17:39:Remember, Gripweed, medals are merely|milestones on the road to final victory.
01:17:44:- Congratulations.|- Thank you.
01:18:05:Thank you, sir.
01:18:38:(yells)
01:18:45:- Where've you been?|- In enemy hands, sir.
01:18:48:You told them nothing|but name, rank and number?
01:18:51:I don't know my name, rank and number.
01:18:53:I remember the number of my first rifle.|Don't try that.
01:18:56:I can smell them, the ones who are not|100 per cent for it. Try that one on me?
01:19:00:Take those nasty Nazi clothes off|and play cricket. Teach you team spirit.
01:19:05:Not a wound on him.|Show me a wound.
01:19:08:You stink of surrender.|Not a decent wound on you.
01:19:11:- I've been burned.|- We've all been burned.
01:19:17:Pads on! Play every ball on its merit.
01:19:19:- I want to fight.|- That man is malingering.
01:19:25:I've a damn shrewd idea|that you are trying to work your ticket.
01:19:32:I say, you can't do that.|He's a private soldier.
01:19:35:He's a stinking coward.
01:19:40:I've always wanted to hit a general.
01:19:43:Fall in, two men, he hit the General.
01:19:48:- Open the batting from the mountain end.|- What's going on here?
01:19:54:That boy is only 19. Here, hold this camel.|Hit somebody your own rank, or near it.
01:19:59:- Who are you?|- Grapple MC. Grapple of the Bedoo.
01:20:02:And another thing, I will not play cricket...
01:20:06:- Come, now, none of us like war.|- I do. I like war.
01:20:10:I do not like cricket.
01:20:14:- Did you have many humorous incidents?|- Yes, we did.
01:20:18:- Tell me about yours.|- They're not funny, really.
01:20:22:- Tell me. Are the British cruel?|- Oh, yes.
01:20:27:- We know what we're doing.|- And we are.
01:20:31:Do you know what we have done|to millions of people?
01:20:35:- I think you've killed them.|- I don't know anything about it. Terrible.
01:20:41:- Are you sorry about these people?|- No, no, I am not.
01:20:45:I thought about it and... no, I'm not.
01:20:49:I'm not sorry about my men.
01:20:51:- Did you have a lot of men?|- Yes.
01:20:54:- You did?|- Yes, hundreds.
01:20:57:Me too, and all with the same faces.|They all looked the same to me.
01:21:02:You look after them, see their feet|is clean, dry, powdered.
01:21:05:- They will not look after their feet.|- They began to kill me with worry.
01:21:11:More than that. More.
01:21:15:May I?
01:21:18:The thing about them|was they would not respond.
01:21:22:There it was for them,|a crusade against tyranny...
01:21:25:Oh, not you. Not you.
01:21:29:But if they knew the King.|My mother knew him well.
01:21:33:She used to send to his birthday.
01:21:35:And all the children, the princesses,|they all got something,
01:21:38:even though|we were not that well off.
01:21:41:I wanted to do my best for him.
01:21:44:He knew|why he gave me his commission.
01:21:48:- You know what I mean?|- Ja.
01:21:52:I wanted to know them.
01:21:55:I wanted to know them very much.
01:22:00:I can talk to you.|I could talk to nobody else.
01:22:05:I haven't spoken to anyone else about|the King and me for the whole of this...
01:22:10:And I. The King and I. You know?
01:22:16:- You'd like him.|- Thank you.
01:22:18:As I was saying, I haven't been|able to speak to anyone else
01:22:24:through the whole of this film.
01:22:27:You see, one day, after a not particularly|arduous or expensive skirmish,
01:22:33:they were all gathered round me...
01:22:36:I well remember...
01:22:38:the way an admirable man and a great|soldier referred to expensive noises
01:22:45:as he listened to a battle without emotion.
01:22:50:That is the way, isn't it?
01:22:52:- For our kind.|- You are a fascist!
01:22:56:Am I? But I don't particularly dislike Jews.
01:23:01:- I love them.|- Have you...? Are you cruel?
01:23:05:- Have you killed many Jews?|- Quite a lot.
01:23:10:- What do you say to that?|- Good Lord.
01:23:13:But then I try to find good in everybody.
01:23:21:(sparse applause)
01:23:29:Why choose me|as your defending officer?
01:23:32:You're the only one decently turned out.
01:23:34:- Halt. Face your front.|- Shut up.
01:23:38:This man is not fit to plead.
01:23:40:It is obvious to anyone|with a spark of humanity in them
01:23:43:that he should be treated with sympathy|and understanding and sent home.
01:23:47:- Shut up! You may not say anything.|- Defending officer, sir.
01:23:52:He's not an officer,|for all his voice and his linear belt.
01:23:55:Therefore, he may not make speeches.|He has no privileges in this court.
01:24:00:Choose anyone you like|but only officers can talk to me.
01:24:03:That makes it awkward.|He should have gone to grammar school.
01:24:06:- Got his Cert A, passed his commission,|- I came up from the ranks. I'm a general.
01:24:10:- This is a general court martial.|- For hitting me.
01:24:13:- Permission to speak.|- Shut up.
01:24:15:Speak up. Be respectful.
01:24:16:What is wrong with the army|is that there is not enough humanity in it.
01:24:20:Shut up! If it wasn't for the British army,|you wouldn't be here today.
01:24:25:Humanity!
01:24:28:We're going into Germany soon.
01:24:29:When we get to the home of the Hun,|take your pips off.
01:24:33:You're a very lucky chap.
01:24:35:You're fighting in a war which may well|turn out to be a crusade. If I know the Hun.
01:24:39:A good soldier but a bit frightful. With|any luck, he's up to some revolting things.
01:24:44:In case he isn't, better take your pips off.
01:24:48:They will put a bullet through your neck|for what you've made them do.
01:24:52:I don't think Jerry will disappoint us,|so shut up!
01:24:55:I don't think I could do that. They're the|nicest things that ever happened to me.
01:25:00:I think my lads are very fond of me.
01:25:04:Sir! Permission to fall out, sir?
01:25:07:We've been playing cricket|in the hot sun for three hours.
01:25:11:We can't enjoy ourselves infinitum,|or at least bowl underarm.
01:25:15:Play on is my advice to you unless|you want to look at me in a court martial.
01:25:19:- Enjoy yourselves. It will be a long war.|- Play on!
01:25:22:You may not fall out until a very important|bod sees you entertained and happy.
01:25:27:Tails up, I haven't brought you|all this way to bowl underarm.
01:25:31:- It's just as hard for me as it is for you.|- You're a bastard.
01:25:35:I hope so, I hope I am a bastard.
01:25:38:- I'm not proud of it.|- Sit down, son.
01:25:41:I've looked after their feet|as if they were my own, sir.
01:25:45:Excuse me, sir.
01:26:00:- What is all this?|- Advance cricket pitch.
01:26:03:Present and ready for your inspection, sir.
01:26:08:What rotten bowlers. Right, drive on.
01:26:12:It is bad. The lower-middle and working|classes receiving the King's Commission?
01:26:16:These classes, unlike like the classes|who led the army when I was a lad,
01:26:21:never had their people to consider.
01:26:29:I liked it better when he was a comedian.
01:26:31:He wasn't very funny but I liked it better.
01:26:34:Jokes. Mind you, I'm working class.
01:26:38:I had a grandfather who was a miner.
01:26:41:Until he sold it.
01:26:43:It's a very simple plan.|All my plans are simple.
01:26:45:You remember Dieppe? Arnhem will be|as simple. A few parachutes, that's all.
01:27:07:My heart's not in it any more.
01:27:10:Oh, go away, I'm tired. I'm the only|bleeding bowler in the Second Army.
01:27:14:(artillery and machine guns)
01:27:24:(bomb falls)
01:27:39:- Sorry, old man.|- It's all right, sir. I'm very grateful.
01:27:42:- Stretcher bearer!|- Jammy bastard.
01:27:49:With the Second Army linking up, the men|of the Airborne can afford to relax a little.
01:28:01:(cackles)
01:28:09:(shouts in Dutch)
01:28:30:Out!
01:28:32:Come on, come on!
01:28:38:- Tot ziens/|- Auf Wiedersehen/
01:28:40:- Welkom, welkom.|- Thanks.
01:28:50:One, two...
01:28:53:Don't look, don't look, don't look!
01:28:55:Don't look... Don't look...
01:29:05:Don't look.
01:29:08:Don't look...
01:29:11:Come on.
01:29:26:Dooley, Spool, take the barn.
01:29:29:Sergeant Transom with me.
01:29:45:We are English.
01:29:55:Nice place you've got.
01:30:01:Right, you two, outside. Slit trench eight|yards from this wall. Move yourselves.
01:30:06:Do sit down.
01:30:15:(announcer) Now, this is the job on which|the soldier's life and the battle depends.
01:30:19:As soon as the infantryman|reaches a new position,
01:30:22:he starts to dig in with pick and spade.
01:30:27:To begin with,|cover is a hole in the ground,
01:30:30:but as the enemy are rolled back|by succeeding waves of troops,
01:30:34:the men immediately behind|start serious digging.
01:30:38:The infantryman's home in battle|is his slit trench.
01:30:42:In a narrow five-foot hole,|he lives, sleeps, eats, and rests.
01:30:49:If the men are lucky, rations, great coats|and mail are brought to them after dark.
01:30:57:It's the missus again, of course.
01:31:00:She's having it away with a Yank now.
01:31:03:Hands across the sea,|straight up her woollies.
01:31:06:(shrieks with laughter)
01:31:10:(clattering)
01:31:13:- Stop it!|- What are you laughing at?
01:31:21:I can't say it. I can say nothing.
01:31:26:I'd like to say what I feel,|but I can only tell you what I see.
01:31:31:The weather's not bad|and I still write to you.
01:31:35:The words look so young on paper|and we are grown people.
01:31:40:But I'll tell you. I do miss you.|"Moonlight Cocktail" is now all the rage.
01:31:48:...with an American soldier.|They're all over here now.
01:31:53:He thrust his great American hand|into my dress
01:31:57:and I felt the utility material|of which it was made, parachute silk,
01:32:01:tear asunder|under the thrust of his passion.
01:32:07:Fondest ever always,|your own Mrs Clapper.
01:32:17:Gripweed, Clapper, cover yourselves.|They're coming from the right!
01:32:26:Sergeant Transom, tank and infantry|coming from the right. This side.
01:33:41:Sergeant Transom! Get out.
01:34:44:Now, watch it.
01:34:47:Have a heart, eh?
01:34:55:(metal clanks)
01:34:58:Thieving git. Some bastard's|been prior, has he, Jock?
01:35:03:- One bastard stinks to high heaven.|- Are you a duration bloke?
01:35:07:- You wouldn't chuckle?|- Pack it in.
01:35:09:I'm a regular.|It's my soddin' career, liberating.
01:35:41:I knew this'd happen.
01:35:43:You knew it'd happen, didn't you?
01:35:45:(speaking German)
01:35:50:(German)
01:35:52:Thank you. Thank you for your help.
01:35:56:- Steady on, we're still on it, the bridge.|- It is a lovely bridge.
01:36:03:It is the only bridge|still intact across the Rhine.
01:36:06:- It won't be for long.|- If you had it, you could win the war.
01:36:09:- I think we're doing that anyhow.|- And I could retire sooner.
01:36:14:- You'd win.|- Yes.
01:36:18:- It's yours.|- No, I don't want to blow it up.
01:36:21:You've done all the work.
01:36:23:- No, please.|- Cheap.
01:36:28:How much do you want for it?
01:36:30:No, no, no.
01:36:32:As we mean to go on, after the war.
01:36:38:The war brings out the best|in some, you know?
01:36:42:Thank you, but as we mean to go on.
01:36:46:- $25,000.|- Eisenhower would never pay.
01:36:50:Have it. Go on.
01:36:53:No. Those days are over.
01:36:56:There's no hope for you or your country|if you're going to let emotion rule.
01:37:00:I tell you. And it's got me nowhere.
01:37:46:To me, Sergeant Transom! To me!
01:38:01:(gunfire continues)
01:38:17:I should have shot that stupid|little bleeder a long time ago.
01:38:21:I always wanted to, as you know.
01:38:26:You shoot one,|you've got to shoot the lot.
01:38:28:Before they takes their exams|and are taught virtue and industry.
01:38:33:Cor! Stone a little colonel, eh?
01:38:42:- It's a fine bridge.|- And it's worth about what? 17,000?
01:38:50:You know what? You are right.
01:38:52:I was beginning to forget|what democracy means.
01:38:56:- It's a wonderful bridge. 23,000.|- That's better.
01:39:00:- 18.|- No, I am risking my life here.
01:39:02:They are shooting people|for not blowing up bridges.
01:39:06:Well, we could build one for 23,000.|Less. It's too far south for us, anyway.
01:39:12:- I'd never get it past the accountants.|- Dooley! To me!
01:39:15:- My name is Dooley.|- I am not going. I'm just not going.
01:39:19:There's more to say.|I've got more to say.
01:39:21:- I'm not going without shouting.|- My name is Spool.
01:39:23:I was transferred from the Service Corps|for a better chance of promotion.
01:39:28:- I'd like to speak to you on personal, sir.|- Transom!
01:39:32:Here!
01:39:33:I never said a word to you|before I was dying... mate.
01:39:38:(Drogue) I died in North Africa.
01:39:40:I fought for three reasons.|I can't remember what they were.
01:39:44:The first reason gets you in, and the|reason when you're in is staying alive.
01:39:48:I won't know the reason they find|afterwards but it will be a very good one.
01:39:53:I'm sure we'll be glad,|and I'm not a thief, really.
01:39:56:I never found anything worth keeping.
01:40:01:Suddenly, my phone rang.
01:40:04:We were eager to secure|a Rhine river bridgehead
01:40:07:but we despaired of taking a bridge intact.
01:40:10:Suddenly, my phone rang.
01:40:13:22,000, take it or leave it.
01:40:16:In view of the personal danger|to yourself, 19.
01:40:20:Right, done.
01:40:30:Fine bleeding hospital this is.
01:40:32:Suddenly, my phone rang.
01:40:35:It was Hodges calling from Spa.
01:40:38:"Brad" he called.|"Brad, we've gotten a bridge, a bridge."
01:40:42:"You mean you've gotten one|intact over the Rhine?"
01:40:45:"Yep."
01:40:47:"Hot dog" I said,|"this'll bust them wide open."
01:41:34:They're coming.
01:41:36:Come on!
01:41:39:It's ours, sir, it's ours!
01:41:42:One minute! One minute!
01:41:46:- Get out of the way, you idiot!|- (yells)
01:41:48:Get out of it!
01:41:54:Bum on! Bum on!
01:41:56:To Moscow!
01:42:18:We've come a long way, chaps.
01:42:22:Now we've come to the end of the road.
01:42:25:Head up, Gripweed. Be proud.
01:42:30:Show them who's won the war.
01:42:32:Across the world, we've trod the stony|path from defeat to final victory.
01:42:39:And soon, the Great Umpire above|will call close of play
01:42:45:in this, the Second World War.
01:42:49:Or as I prefer to call it...
01:42:51:the final test.
01:42:55:And I want to take this opportunity of|letting you know how proud I have been
01:43:01:to have commanded|such a fine body of men.
01:43:09:Would have bounced anyway.
01:43:12:I haven't got 19d.
01:43:15:Transom, keep your feet up.
01:43:17:- What's he keep calling me that for?|- We're not out of the woods yet.
01:43:25:You haven't had a big part in this.
01:43:27:Ah, well. What you doing next?
01:43:29:- I hear there's this Vietnam thing coming.|- Yeah, I know that.
01:43:34:But I don't like working with that director|much. Still, the money's good.
01:43:40:I'm glad you could get here.
01:43:43:I've been trying to contact|all the members of Third Troop for years.
01:43:48:And, really, without success.
01:43:51:The strange thing is, I agree, there was|a good reason for fighting the war.
01:43:58:I knew it. I felt really despicable.|We had to fight the war.
01:44:06:I couldn't, that's all. I just couldn't do it.
01:44:09:I had to leave it to chaps like you|who hadn't really got a reason.
01:44:14:- I wanted to fight, honestly.|- I know you did.
01:44:19:But I won the war.